Updated: May 20

Whether we want to admit it or not, we know when a relationship has ended but the fear of failure encourages us to hold on. An ended relationship is a loss therefore, it does hurt. Often times, we actually have control over the amount of suffering we endure; we just don't realize it. Think about this: Have you ever actually sat back and thought about the events that led to the breakup? Think about what ultimately caused the relationship to end? Then evaluate which party has lost the most; you or the other party?

Everyone plays a role in the relationship so we definitely must accept accountability for our actions an how they could have contributed to the failure of the relationship but that doesn't mean that just because the relationship ended it has to be a bad thing. I know what you're probably thinking but just here me out.

All relationships are not meant to work. I know that you've heard that before so I want you to see it from an explained point of view. I really don't see it as simply the relationship was designed to teach you a lesson. It's way more to it then that. Sometimes compatibility is the main factor. If you don't share the same goals or like the same things, those are concerns that can become problems. Even though you may be attracted to the person physically, if there's no connection beyond that (emotional, spiritual), 9 times out of 10, the relationship won't work. Relationships require some type of commitment even if you are not married and can add positive things to our lives but, they can subtract from us if we're not careful.

I'll start with the things that we lose in a relationship. It's true, we lose parts of ourselves in a relationship. We lose who we are as an individual because we tailor our lives to fit the person that we are in the relationship with. After doing that for so long, if that relationship doesn't work, we feel as if we've failed and wasted too much time. I mean we've spent countless amounts of time and energy investing in this relationship because we did want it to work. But in the process pieces of who we are as an individual is slowly being pushed into the darkness, soon to be forgotten. Now that you're aware, don't let it happen; make sure to remember that your individual self is still there and still the the most important person in your life. That's were self-love comes in. You must take care of yourself in addition to maintaining your relationship. That way if or when you need to go back to being an individual, it won't be so hard to bounce back. You'll be ok with doing things alone and comfortable with who you are; it'll be hard to get any bs past you. But if you're not diligent, the more you become less of an individual, it becomes easier for you to turn a blind eye to things that cause us discomfort. Before you know it you're in so deep you can't see a way out.

On the up side, the things we gain in relationships are experiences. Experiences are a vital part of first-hand knowledge. Knowledge gained will be used to determine the way we want and need to be treated in any relationship. The experience allows you to gauge what you like and what you don't. Also, if you pay attention, you'll gain a great sense of self-worth. As long as you know that you did everything you could to make the relationship work, when you take the time to measure the value you bring to the relationship and the other person's life, you have gained something that cannot be measured. When you know your worth, you'll be ok with what you initially thought was a failed relationship if or when it's over. Why do I say that? Because you are not actually the one who lost. You won't be tempted to sweep those uncomfortable feelings and actions under the rug. Because you'll be confident that you can do better. The truth is that you don't have to accept anything that you don't like because you're confident as an individual. The more time you spend with yourself, the more you'll get to know you. When you really know who you are, you demand your worth without having to say a word.

But wait, there could potentially a down side. Now read this carefully and remember accountability is key. If you were not putting in the necessary work required

to ensure the relationship was healthy and strong, chances are, your actions are a big reason the relationship ended. The relationship should have taught you a few lessons.

-First, when in a relationship it's important to add value and see the value in your partner. It is easy to take your partner for granted; you'll eventually push them away. Your responsibility is to make sure that you are doing your part to build a strong foundation for the relationship and make your partner happy.
-Next, it's important to remain focused on the relationship you're in. Others tend to see you happy and will find a way to destroy the foundation mentioned above maybe it wasn't strong enough. If you allow that to happen, you hurt your partner. Even if the relationship doesn't end right away, you should have learned some lessons and gained knowledge of behaviors to change in the future. It will definitely take some time to rebuild the trust. Keep in mind that even if you decide to change and become a better you, your partner may not share those feelings and be so forgiving. You'd have to accept the consequences of your actions.
-Then there's the financial aspect. Financial stability is important so if something was to jeopardize that, the need to compensate in others areas will be more important than ever. Once a relationship is subjected to any type of instability; especially financial, the stress th

at is caused can damage or sometimes end a relationship. So it's important to try and maintain stability within the relationship.

No matter the circumstances, I know that a breakup will cause discomfort it's a sudden change; emotionally and lifestyle because you have developed certain habits, become accustomed to certain things, and spent time building a relationship you wanted to last; those things won't be undone overnight. Just ask yourself- Were you building with the right materials? Nothing built with poor materials will last long; it needs a proper, strong structure. Can you do some of the things you did with that person alone or with someone else? I'll answer that for you. Yes, you can. You must remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you had to work with and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Think of the situation and place someone you love in you

r shoes. Would you want them to be in the relationship that has just ended for you? Did you discover anything that would make you uncomfortable for them to remain in the relationship? If so, does that justify why the relationship ended?

Thinking of one of your relationships that ended, evaluate the reasons and ask yourself should breaking up be hard to do. Honestly, sometimes, its needed.

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